Liberty Fur All

Soylent Green: The Solution to the Inherent Evils of Culinary Appropriation

Oh, my. The Alt-Right’s most insidious plot has been discovered. Racism run amok, it is! It’s pure evil, manifested in the homogenization of the rich and varied flavors of Chinese cuisine and the Social Justice Warriors are all over this one, let me tell you… It’s the rumored return of… McDonald’s Szechuan Dipping Sauce.

It’s horrible, I know! Released as a marketing gimmick in 1998 to coincide with Disney’s release of the animated movie Mulan, which doesn’t even take place in the Sichuan (proper pin ying spelling) Province, it’s everything Martin Luther King Jr. fought against when it comes to racism and yummy foods.

It’s a good thing I can’t be counted amongst the horrible critters that supported this crime against humanity, as I’ve never had it. No, it’s not because I’m above such vile hate crimes — it’s because pretty much EVERYTHING McDonald’s makes offends me on one or more levels.

Their Hamburgers: Is that even meat?

Their Shakes: Eh… whatever… (Shamrock Shake for the win — take THAT Ireland)

Their Fries: Another eh…

Chicken Nuggets: Nothing more than a way to get sauce from the package into your mouth. They make Honey Mustard yet? Seriously, I avoid McDonald’s like the plague, so they may have been offering this for decades. I used to have to mix the honey and mustard myself and I had to fight the twit behind the counter to get more than one McNugget condiment with my McNuggets. THAT is a tasty treat, but only because Honey Mustard.

Breakfast Burritos: Seriously, don’t tell Mexico. Except Vicente Fox, because I hate that guy. If I ever took him out to breakfast I’d take him to McDonald’s for what I’d call an “authentic Mexican breakfast” and watch his head explode.

McDonald’s isn’t the only thing that offends me though — I’m also offended by the popular Sichuan dish, Kung Pao Chicken. “Say what?” Yeah, you heard me. I was betrayed at a young age by Chinese restaurants in America because many of them had this excellent dish called Kung Pao Chicken. It quickly became my favorite. I ate it all the time! Then, in February of 1990, everything changed. My employer, Hughes Aircraft Space and Communications Company sent me to China for what would be the first commercial satellite launch on a Chinese rocket from the Xichang Satellite Launch Center, in the heart of the Sichuan Province. This is when I discovered that the Kung Pao Chicken in America was all a lie and what followed was a years long process of figuring out how to make it myself, and make it myself I did.

The flavors in Kung Pao Chicken are not just complex, but also dynamic. The spiciness comes from dried, red peppers, cut into short sections and deseeded, exposing the hot resins on the inside that are released by the drying process. It isn’t a few whole, dried red peppers for looks with a spoon full of chili powder. The spice is tempered by the numbing properties of Sichuan Peppercorn. This amazing seed pod also seems to pass through many different flavors while chewed, ranging from grassy to salty to… a bunch of other things. Caramelized sugar — almost burnt — hides just beneath the flavor profile just to keep you guessing. And what the hell is with all the zucchini I find in the American version half the time? Green onions with a bit of ginger and garlic (I add extra green onions because noms) are the only vegetables. The rest is CHICKEN. I’ve only found one Chinese restaurant in the Bay area that made anything close to the stuff I had in China and the stuff I make myself.

So yeah, there is nothing for the Chinese to be offended by in an inaccurately named dipping sauce that their own immigrants haven’t committed in this country already and there is nothing McDonald’s hasn’t done already that can be any more offensive either.

No. Surprises. Here.

I’ve pretty much had it with the “cultural appropriation” nonsense anyway, especially when it comes to food. You know what will make everyone happy? We’ll just grind all those that feel guilty about their presence on this planet into bland crackers Soylent Green style which we can feed the easily offended so the rest of us can eat our AUTHENTIC Kung Pao Chicken in peace.

2 thoughts on “Soylent Green: The Solution to the Inherent Evils of Culinary Appropriation

  1. Mr. Bear

    It is all rather silly, isn’t it? A bunch of upper middle class white kids will spew all over social media about cultural appropriation, but then go to the new trendy sushi bar for lunch and then a Mexican place for dinner.

    There IS privilege right now – the people who have nothing better to do than some up with these silly crusades and treat them seriously. Their lives are so great that they need to invent things at which to be angry.

  2. Pingback: Tek’s Cooking Channel: Kung Pao Chicken – Liberty Fur All

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